just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
