i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
