I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
