I met the friendliest cop last night
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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