i just wanna soil my oats bro
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.