Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
