I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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