Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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