We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
