Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
