So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet