Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
