Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize