you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
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She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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