hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
