remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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