They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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