i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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