just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
