just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
