I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
