im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
