Michael Bay diarrhea
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
