how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
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We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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