When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
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I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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