I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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