I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
