He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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