Betty ford says i'm here all night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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