in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
this is an emotional support booty call