Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.