is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.