he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"