put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
fuck your aforementioned shoe
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"