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my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
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sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
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I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.