So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
