I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
