he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
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IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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