i need an iv and a liver transplant
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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