I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
