I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??