His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.