I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.