he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.