Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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