I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You took a bar mat shot.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
