My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think people are normalizing furries
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
