dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Small penises have feelings too.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
