why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
