i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
