porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet