Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n