Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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