How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
