i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
