nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
