saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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